Today was my first day on my new job and I have to say that I haven't felt this good in a very long time.Today it was like I was on some kind of natural high.I guess it was the adrenaline,the atmosphere,the interactions,the personalities...the smell.It was intoxicating.I absolutely loved it and I can not wait until tomorrow's shift.I usually have this feeling when I start a job-and then it all goes down the drain.I'm not allowing that to happen again.I usually find some way to psych myself out of a good job.Not anymore!I've grown and I've learned my lesson.Seriously.
I feel so fulfilled.
But also exhausted.
Early bed time for me tonight.
Although,I might not be sleeping as soon as I lie down;I'm watching 'Home Alone 2' & I'm starting to research Burlesque Clubs & ways to start my burlesque career.If I haven't mentioned it before,I'm an aspiring burlesque dancer and I plan on dancing very,very soon.[That's just one of my many things that I plan on achieving in my life--and I also forgot to post that in my resolution post-yikes.]
I feel like I'm radiating tonight.Which is amazing because just the other night I was feeling like shit.
I've only gotten this far because I've never given up.I may have made many mistakes but I've never doubted myself or stopped believing that I can be and do whatever I dreamed of.
Now,if only I could grow some balls & inform __________ my secret love/longing for him.Ehh,one day at a time.
Finally.I'm getting somewhere.
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Honestly, tonight was the kind of night that people only witness on evening dramas,mid-day soaps or terrible movies with mediocre actresses.It was the kind of night that most people would run away from.It was the kind of night that if you were a witness to,you'd stand with your mouth agape and text the first person in your contacts & dish the drama.It was the kind of night that if you experienced it everyday,you'd be heading to prison soon due to how much anger you've accumulated and started taking out on any and everyone.It was the kind of night that at the end of it all,you're either pussied out,crumpled in the fetal position in the middle of bed,sobbing and soaking your cheap sheets or out running the streets with a 40 oz. in one hand,a sack of coke in your bra and you're on you're way to get shit-faced and then fucked senseless because you just don't give a fuck anymore.It was the kind of night that after everything winds down you've realized that you're setting yourself up for failure by not exiting the premises.But you don't have a choice.It was the kind of the night that would slap some sense into you and your neighbors.It was the kind of night that if you lived in a decent neighborhood,cops would be lining up in your driveway and peering into your house.It was the kind of night that made me realize that I need to do more.I need to do more to get out of this mad house.I need to do more to get out of this town.Out of this state.Into a home of my own.Where I won't have to take my anger out on my defunct Blackberry.Or my house phone.Or my bed.Or my keyboard.I have realized that on nights like tonight,my mind is a lot more free and my words flow from my brain like water falls down Niagara Falls.I've never been more sure of anything in my life.
For a second tonight,I thought I hated my life.I said my life was over.But,that was just me being dramatic.I now realize that tonight was a definite sign that I need to grow up,get out and move the fuck on.
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I am so incredibly happy that 2009 is almost over that I can jump for joy.I actually plan on jumping for joy the second 12:00am January 1,2010 hits.It will be my first and probably only time I ever will show my excitement for the new year.I'm always either passed out from being too wasted,passed out from being too tired or just too wasted to even comprehend that the new year had hit to actually be excited.This year I plan on being completely sober and I'll probably be a bit anxious waiting for the big "Happy New Year!" to hit.
Traditionally, people wait until the new year's arrival to dish out resolutions.[Also,most people make resolutions and stick with them for a month & decide to ditch them or just forget about them--I've been there,done that before.]But this year,I'm making my resolutions a bit early.I've actually been working on my resolutions through out this whole year and made new one's mid-year.Now with the year ending [and new,exciting things happening suddenly] I've decided to ditch waiting for 2010 and just go with this good flow & start early.
I'm making a list of things that I need to work on...and through out the year I'm pretty sure I'll make more.I'm all about self-improvement.It feels good.
1.Gain [a little more]confidence.
I consider myself pretty confident.At times.But I do admit that almost everyday I compare myself to a friend [or even a stranger] when it comes to looks & lifestyle and I feel pretty shitty due to the fact that I'm not like them.I get caught up in depression because of that & it often leads to me singling my self out and becoming anti-social.Most people look at me and they think I'm one of the most confident people they know.I appear to be happy.But a lot of times I'm not.It's all mental!I need to start reminding myself that I am somebody,that I am smart,that I am beautiful and that I will achieve all of my goals one day if not soon.I have a tendency to mentally beat myself up.And I hate that.Well,I've had enough!I've been going through this way too long and I am sick of it.I will no longer trick myself into believing that I'm a nobody.I am somebody.And if I have to,I will remind myself everyday.
2.Become a pescetarian.
I'm all for non-animal testing and against all the animal abuse out there in the world.But to be honest,that's not why I'm deciding on becoming a pescetarian.I'm tired of eating meat and feeling disgusting afterwards.I'm tired of eating chicken and being grossed out just looking at all the veins and stuff.It's a personal decision.Most vegans/vegetarians look at pescetarians as posers & act quite bitter towards them[I've seen it in action.]I actually don't even want to put a label on myself or anything I practice.I want to be healthy.I want to feel healthy.I want to look healthy.I can go without all the red meats & pork and all that stuff.I'm satisfied by eating fruits,vegetables,veggie foods & occasionally a little fish.It's not about ethics;it's about me.
3.Start designing+sewing my own clothes.
Well, start designing and sewing my own clothes again.I took a very long break but now I've been crazy inspired & I'm going to start again!I'm thinking about making dresses,skirts and blouses.Excited!I currently don't have a sewing machine [just a container of needles & a spool of thread] which is fine with me.But trust I will be heading to Urban Outfitters next week and getting that mini machine that they sell until I can afford to get an actual machine.Can't wait.
4.Get my driver's license.
I've held back on getting my license for years because my father was killed in his car and I was traumatized from driving because of it.I've grown up now and I definitely need to have a license because it is impossible for me to get around town nowadays,especially at night.It's been difficult & I've grown kind of impatient with Los Angeles public transportation.So,I'm going to be an adult & get my license.I drive perfectly fine,I've been doing so for years but I guess that with me getting my license I felt obligated to get a car and that thought just freaked me out.I don't know.Personal issues.Like I said,I'm over it now & I'm going to get my driver's permit either this week or next week.I'm going to have to rent a car to take my driver's test [which is cool with me] and hopefully I pass and get my license.I'm not going to allow myself to fail.I need my license!
5.Get a car.
Well,getting a license is pointless if you don't plan on getting a car,ya know?I'm going to save,save,save and by the spring time I plan on having a car!I'm thinking of used cars [new cars=not in my budget] and I hope I can get the kind I want.Maybe a scion,prius,vintage mercedes,vw...anything reliable basically.Ha.Can't be too picky when it comes to buying your first car with your own money [and not your parents].I hope I get lucky and snag a deal somewhere.
6.Finish Cosmetology school.
I started beauty school late this year and I want to finish it.I loved it [my budget didn't].I can't wait to be a licensed beautician.I've been doing hair and make-up since I was a young child [with my kind of hair,I better had learned] and I can just see myself doing hair & make-up on photo shoots and at fashion shows.The possibilities are endless with a Cosmetology license.
7.Move into my own apartment.
This is actually one of my top priorities.I moved out of my mom's house at a young age and when you get a taste of that it's tough to live under your mother's roof again.No,tough isn't the word.It's hell.It's not hell because it's my mom's house,it's hell because I have no room,no bed,no space,no privacy...nothing!But I am grateful that I have a roof over my head and that she allowed me to stay here.So,thanks mom.But,I need my own place.And it needs to happen soon.I've been eye-balling some apartments Silverlake,Santa Monica and Venice.I've been checking out the prices,seeing how much money I should be saving & hopefully I'll be out of here in no time.And by no time I mean within two months.Ha!I'm desperate.And for real.
And....
8.Spend more time with the ones I love.
9.Meet more people.
10.Network,network,network!
To some people these resolutions/goals may seem a bit ordinary..or maybe a bit far-fetched.But it's possible.I've done so many things in my life that people said were impossible.I'm ready to live my life the way I want to live it.-12|10|09
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Ever since I was a young child I've always felt that I have something to say about everything.Except, as a child I was somber and spent a lot of time to myself.I was quite the anti-social.I held everything in, occasionally jotting thoughts down in a diary or a loose-leaf notebook.As I grew older I realized it was very unhealthy to keep everything bottled up and I started letting my thoughts seep out.Some negative, mostly positive;I definitely got some [unwanted] attention for speaking my mind.
Years have gone by since I started spreading my 'gospel' and I've only recently kind of grown comfortable with publicly speaking & writing.Many say I have a gift-others say it's a talent and most say that I should have pursued a career in the field.Which I was!In high school my plan was to attend Columbia University as a Journalism or English Major and take Fashion classes [because that's my other passion].Eventually I would work as a Fashion Journalist, design clothing, work with designers somehow & then eventually down the line become a Fashion Magazine Editor.
Long story short, I didn't end up taking that route and now I'm back to round one.Starting over, starting fresh.Except,this time around I'm not so shy [I'm quite the social butterfly]and I'm ready to unleash the real me.
This is only the beginning.I'm going to make mistakes.I'm going to laugh at myself.I'm going to absorb everything.I'm going to learn how to be the best me that I can be.
The point of this blog? It is so I can chronicle my life|journey and also free my mind of billions of thoughts & ideas.I find blogs [especially personals] very fascinating and I know that I'm not the only one.Take in mind that I am nowhere near rich & famous,I don't have fancy clothes & I haven't traveled in ages.But I will be making a name for myself out there soon and I'd love to look back & see where I began,where I've been & how far I have gone.It's like a diary\scrapbook;I can always go back to it when I want a good laugh, I feel nostalgic\reminiscent or I'm just plain bored.
I don't expect to gain thousands of followers nor do I intend on getting famous off of this blog.There's always going to be someone out there that you can relate to or vice versa.I just want to speak my mind & maybe strike up some inspiration inside of someone-or atleast a good laugh.-12|08|09
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